Letting go

Well the time is upon us and I am still in complete overload. This is offically the last day that our son will be home with us before he turns into a college student. Where has it gone? You all know that when you're younger your parents tell you that time passes so fast but I never believed it until I became that parent. I can sit here and look back and think of times with my son and it seems like it was just yesterday when he was a baby. As a baby he was the sweetest little red headed thing ever. He has ALWAYS been independent and has always liked being by himself. Remember that he was an only child for 10 years so this worked well for him. I can remember him playing in his bedroom in our little house and he would just sit there for hours as content as an old shoe to just have everything all to himself. He would build things and organize things and put them just so. I would walk in on him and try to sit and play and when he was old enough to speak he would say, "it's otay Mommy, you tan doe away, I otay." That was A#1 talk. His speech was on of the sweetest things about him. Even when we were outside playing on his swingset, he wanted it to be just him and his dog, Chewie. She would sit by the swingset and just watch him, never disturbing. I think that's why he loved her so much, she didn't demand any attention or any of his time. Just as long as she could be right there and she could see him. He knew she was there and she knew he was safe. W.B. was and still is a very hard working man and always wanted me to stay home with A#1. There were times I resented staying home and times that I was sooo grateful that I could. We were so much more broke than any of our family realized. Alot because of bad choices at that time in our lives and alot because we sacrificed so I could be home. When I say he worked hard, I mean he worked hard and ALOT! I can't tell you how many days and night it was just me and A#1. From 6 a.m. until 9 p.m somedays. I always tried to be the best mom I could be but there were times I know I was not. A#1 still has a gentleness about him that he had even at a young age. The two of us loved to go to the movies and he would sit and hold my hand the whole way thru. Always leaving one hand available for popcorn of course. To this day, if we are sitting beside each other or walking next to each other, he will reach for my hand. Some people have actually made fun of this and that breaks my heart. To me it shows a love and gentleness that some boys just don't care to show.

When A#1 started kindergarten it was the most lost feeling I have ever felt in my life. I was young when I had him and had lived away from all of my family for a long time by then. The two of us were inseperable and this reality was just hard to bear. His first day will never be forgotten. Me, hubby, my MIL and one of my sisters came over to watch him step up on that bus for the very first time. He had no hestitation what so ever. He stepped up, just barely because he was a small little booger, sat down and waved good bye. As the bus pulled away there were tears shed and then all of a sudden my MIL said,"let's go! Get in we're following the bus." And so we did. We only lived about one mile from the school. We followed it and pulled over to watch him get off the bus, get his bus tag pinned on and then watched as he disappeared inside. That feeling of "what if" comes over you at that point. What if he spills his milk at lunch? I'm not there to clean him up. What if some bratty kid makes fun of the way he talks? I'm not there to dry his tears or beat the little brat up :) j/k What if his shoe comes untied and he falls on the playground? Who's gonna kiss him to make it all better? What if he wants a hug before he lays down for rest time? What if he watches a movie and there's no hand to hold? I still remember all of these feelings because I am having them all over again. It all comes rushing back and that feeling of being overwhelmed stays in my mind. What if while at college he has to make a "grown up" decision? Have we done what we were supposed to do to help him make the right one? What if he does something he is ashamed of? Does he know that no matter what he does, nothing could ever make us not love him? Have we told him that enough?

My prayer for you A#1 is that as you go into this new journey in your life, you will know this. There is nothing you could EVER do that would make us love you any less. You are such a light to us all and even when we are having a bad day, I am always amazed that you came from me. You are truly a Godly young man and your faith in the Lord shows that. You have never been ashamed of your decision when you were just 8 years old to trust the Lord as your saviour. You have never been ashamed of the fact that neither of your parents have a college education. As a matter of fact I have seen the pride you have for your Dad and his heart and his ability to provide for his family. You have loved your little sisters like I have never seen a brother love before. You are a child of God, the best son in this world, the best bubby there could be, a grandson that is never too grown up to hug your grandparents in front of everyone. You are a loyal friend, an honest companion and you are a Godly example to all of the youth out there. Go forth and spread your wings. The cool thing is that you actually are going to have wings and be able to fly. You are living a dream that most people will never get to make a reality. Fly my little boy, FLY!!!! Your Mommy will always be here to hold your hand.